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Anybody with a loved one working in
dangerous conditions such as police work or the military would feel concern.
The degree of concern, however, depends on how you think about this situation.
Keep in mind that it is not really your loved one's work that causes your
constant worry. Rather, it is what you tell yourself about his work. If you are
saying to yourself, “Today will be the day I get the call that he's been
killed,” here's what might be going on in your head:
You are telling yourself something is
going to happen at a certain point in time. This type of thinking (self-talk)
is called fortune-telling.
You are also jumping to the worst conclusion
about what could happen. This is called catastrophizing.
At the same time that you are
overestimating the danger and threat of the situation, you are underestimating
your own or a loved one's ability to cope.
One of the best ways to deal with constant
worrying is to learn to challenge negative predictions and develop more
realistic views of situations and coping resources. For example, you might
remind yourself that your loved one is doing the job she wants to do, that she
is skilled, that she works with competent colleagues, and that she has handled
difficult situations well in the past. Also note that there is a difference
between possibilities (it could happen) and probabilities (it's likely to
happen). You could get a call that your loved one has been hurt or killed, but
that's not the most likely outcome. We're better off when we resist turning
small negative possibilities into probabilities. Life has no guarantees, but
learning and practicing more realistic self-talk can help you better tolerate
uncertainties.
Further, it's important to realize
that we can't see into the future—you are not God, and no one has a crystal
ball. The truest statement we can make about the future is that we don't know
what it holds. Therefore, it is best to try to live in the moment. Sometimes
our focus on someone else's well-being can be a way of avoiding attending to
our own lives. Start focusing on spending your time in ways that feel
meaningful and productive—maybe through becoming more engaged in your own work,
getting together with friends, or starting something new, like a hobby or
volunteering.
Finally, we sometimes worry because
we believe that our worry magically protects others. Or, we believe the person
we're concerned about not only wants us to be concerned about them, but to
worry about them. We think that he will feel better in a dangerous situation if
he knows we are constantly worrying about him. These ideas overestimate the
effects of worry for any benefit. In fact, these beliefs are akin to believing
in magic. We have no evidence that worry benefits anyone, but we do know that
it causes the worrier harm. If you want to help your loved one, focus on what
you can control. Send a care package, help out, express your love. It's
generally better to control those aspects of your life you can actually control
than those aspects of your life where the only control is through magic.
Source: The Anxiety Answer Book by: Laurie A. Helgoe, PhD, Laura R. Wilhelm, PhD, Martin J. Kommor, MD
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